Why do we have a divorce rate of around 50%? And this is just registered relationship demises. The figure of relationship end is probably so much higher. Why is this?
Partly it is the commercialisation of romance – see my previous blog, partly it is people growing out of the relationship and needing to move on for their own growth, a big part is people not doing their own inner work so their expectations of others are unrealistic and demanding and partly it is the fact that many people do not know how to have a passionate, adventurous, predictable and committed and free relationship all at the same time.
Many people look outside the relationship thinking the grass is greener and when they move over there the grass is the same colour and now more than one person is unhappy.
Freedom occurs in conjunction with consideration of another and within a compatible and respectful partnership and its not necessarily the freedom to roam it is freedom to be authentic and real with the support and love of another.
The union must be a safe container for authentic expression and surrender of armour. A place to be held by each for the greater good of the whole. It is about the energy the union creates no matter what the structure of it. It is the build up of intimacy (into me see) that occurs in every moment. The looks gestures of affection, support, nourishment, playfulness and delight the people find in being with each other. The inspiration than turns them on. Reciprocity. The heart opening that occurs when they look at the other smile or be in radiance at something they enjoy doing. It is the celebration of love itself.
The union can be likened to a plant. Is the plant thriving? Is it wilted? Is it brown and dying? It is the responsibility of each to be accountable for their own happiness and joy and in turn this feeds the plant and it blossoms and grows. It wont grow with the occasional drop of water or neglect. We must learn and foster the ability to stay connected to oneself in the presence of another
If things have gone boring in the bedroom then it is the responsibility of each to find the love and joy in each other again through the building of the intimacy. It is not about sexual positions, although that may arise if the intimacy is already there and the members of the union want to and feel safe to play. Tantra for instance is about a philosophy of living. It is about the celebration of life it is about being a lover of life. When you are a lover of life, you radiate joy and happiness and this is immensely attractive.
Lasting pleasure comes from connection. I like the quote by Esther Perel: “Sex is a place you go”. Novelty exists in bringing out new aspects of yourself not in positions. So how can you use your imagination to create? How can you be curious?
So the challenge is to find the balance between wanting to have predictably, dependability, safety, reliability, and an anchor point and wanting adventure, novelty, mystery, surprise and transcendence. There must be space in the union for all to grow. Desire needs space to explore. Restriction is the antithesis of desire. So is responsibility for another’s happiness. So how will you create the space for desire to be in the union? This builds a passionate union.
It is your responsibility to turn yourself on, and yours when you turn yourself off.
A passionate union needs people who have each other’s back, who hold each other in honour to create safety, who are authentically themselves and respect the other’s authenticity and are without judgement of themselves or the other, who are grateful for the space they share together and willingly support each others growth and happiness, even if this means them moving into another relationship.
May you be more deeply passionately intimately and connected from this now moment, more than your wildest dreams
With blessings
Soleil